Summer goals

Goal 1: Lose weight

I currently weigh 3.25 Sharptons – need to drop at least 1 full Sharpton before I can start looking good in a track suit.

Instead of eating brunch I will disrupt them.

Goal 2: Improve station

Secure promotion from stock boy to nighttime manager at local convenience store. There’s been a sudden vacancy.

Everybody is giving this guy shit for letting it all hang out

It’s only Tuesday, yet it’s already been a banner week for NYC’s outer boroughs. Yesterday had a Bronx lady shaving on a train and a Staten Island girl sparking a Brooklyn murder.

And then it’s Queens turn.

Balding creeper busted …Wilson Kenney, 33, of Springfield Gardens was sitting on a bench at the Forest City Park Pool facility in Wantagh on Sunday around 4:50 p.m. when he began to rub his groin area and exposed himself to the 17-year-old lifeguard, cops said.

Wilson has aged a bit since Just One of the Guys, but I am still a fan.

Back then Wilson was considered a poor man’s Phoebe Cates.

We did what we had to do.

No subtitles needed

Such ferocity.

And so sudden.

One moment he’s there enjoying the charms of a lady friend – and then without warning a brutal no holds barred attack from above. No time to get up and put on his pants to fight. Dude was sunk.

And we didn’t even get to see her tits. A true day of infamy.

A three woes in Brooklyn

Well well well.

Well well well well well-ity well well well.

Looks like a boring ol’ threesome got fatal in the People’s Republic of Park Slope

A threesome can mean many things to many people.

Presumably all was progressing nicely until a participant (guy with a girlfriend not present) decided to take pictures, thereby greatly agitating another participant (girl with a boyfriend not present).

The horny shutterbug died that night of baseball bats and stab wounds.

THREESOMES: A CLOSER LOOK

• “Double Team” traditionally uni-clam powered and outfitted for dual sauseetch intake.

• A Double Team is not as prestigious in hetero circles as the golden rung “Canoe Ride” (two girls, one guy).

• In most of Park Slope a Double Team is still more highly prized and sought out than the “Leftover Duck” (two guys & a girl who doesn’t show up).

Big loss: this is the face you make when your boyfriend gets murdered after deciding to film his 2-on-1 without asking his new friends first.

So here’s the rub: the angry chick contacted her boyfriend, who was not part of the threesome. And in order to get him going, she told him she was raped. Now her boyfriend is not only a confirmed cuck, but a prime murder suspect as well.

And the guy who (still) lives in Park Slope drove the 21 year old girl back home to Staten Island (don’t bet against her being a naughty Italian broad with daddy issues) and then came back to Park Slope to enact some late night revenge on the guy who SIMPLY JUST HAD to document the sexcapade.

That’s when: the victim decided to leave for reasons that were unclear, sources said.

Around that time, the victim’s girlfriend — who was uninvolved in the threesome — received an ominous Instagram message reading “your boyfriend f–ked up and will be taken care of,” sources said.

Gadzooks. That could’ve been me … if I was a marginally lucky yet moronic asshole.

Then on Friday one purviews yon Meat Wagon

If you like Pina Coladas, and getting tagged in the seat
If you´re into nude yoga, but you shun Friday’s meat
If you like tickling coin purse, and the cut of my cape
I´m the one that you´ve looked for, drop your trou, so I can rape.

Always brings the house down in P-Town.

Tartare

Ropa Vieja

Hot Dog

Steak’um

Cajun Ribeye

Lamb Chop

Porterhouse

Game Hen

Bon appetite los animales!