Summer goals

Goal 1: Lose weight

I currently weigh 3.25 Sharptons – need to drop at least 1 full Sharpton before I can start looking good in a track suit.

Instead of eating brunch I will disrupt them.

Goal 2: Improve station

Secure promotion from stock boy to nighttime manager at local convenience store. There’s been a sudden vacancy.

No subtitles needed

Such ferocity.

And so sudden.

One moment he’s there enjoying the charms of a lady friend – and then without warning a brutal no holds barred attack from above. No time to get up and put on his pants to fight. Dude was sunk.

And we didn’t even get to see her tits. A true day of infamy.

Scenes from a Houston Burger King

Honestly, white men have a far better shot at making it in the NBA than they do muscling their way into the fast food meltdown scene.

But if you must then gotta earn your stripes. Start humble – cause a ruckus at a farmer’s market, fling organic honey at hippie chicks with a near zero chance at getting taken out by rogue D’Brickashaw.

Earn your stripes trashing the Whole Foods salad bar before you descend down the ladder to Cracker Barrel, Taco Bell, and White Castle.

Once you start slapping cashiers at BK & McDonald’s you’re in the big leagues.

And only maybe then, if you haven’t tapped out yet, might you be ready to scrap in an IHOP.

Be careful.