Take a sudden and final report, Alan Thicke, you suave son of a bitch.
Alan masterfully parlayed his role as dad in 80s sitcom Growing Pains into … I’m not really sure what, but he managed to bring a certain gravitas to his paid celebrity appearances, which is no small feat. Just think of how sad and out of place Gilligan would look at supermarket openings or reunion shows, while Thicke could pop up at an Onion Harvest Festival in Tucson and be treated like a homecoming king by throngs of adoring farmers.
Maybe playing ice hockey with teenagers when you’re 70 isn’t such a good idea, but one of his offspring did his old man proud by launching Emily Ratajkowski’s career into orbit.
And yet with all that, his final tweet was pathetic – a shout out to Fuller House 2. Don’t forget, Saget and Thicke were once blood competitors for both ratings and tail before the years made them two old marshmellows.
Mayse said he felt so awful, in fact, that as soon as he got a few feet away from the bad Santa he burst into tears.
As the night wore on, the child told the station, his world continued to unravel.
“It affected me so bad that I was crying until I went to bed that night,” he added. “And I want to say to him, ‘You don’t want to disrespect a 9-year-old. Even though what shape and size you are, it doesn’t matter.’ ”
In a final act of mic-dropping, body-affirming defiance, he even tore up the photo he took with the Kris Kringle-turned-Krampus.
This kid is way too fluent in victim talk.
He needs to know you don’t weep in the face of danger, nope, you fight back.